


Pure

by rippedoutgrace



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-12
Updated: 2013-08-12
Packaged: 2017-12-23 05:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/922663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rippedoutgrace/pseuds/rippedoutgrace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Dean meets Benny and refuses to leave Purgatory without Castiel</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pure

**Author's Note:**

> This is a tag to the Purgatory episodes (8x01, 8x02, 8x05, 8x07), but really just how I wish these episodes had played out.

He had called it pure. Sure, it was violent, brutal, bloody, and messy, but it was pure. There’s nothing purer than the instinct for survival. And in Purgatory, you had to fight to survive.  
He would try to explain it to Sam later but it was so unlike the usual adrenaline rush that came from a hunt, he wasn’t sure Sam would ever understand. It was different, bolder and stronger. He was on edge all the time, an entire year down there. After that first night— the struggle to see the monsters in the dark, calling out for Cas, praying that the darkness wasn’t perpetual—he realized that it was right. Natural, even.  
A rustle in the leaves, a twig snapping. The hair on his arms rising. Breath coming faster then evening out. In, out, in, out. The air disturbed around him, he tenses and turns, moving on the balls of his feet. Vampire, Leviathan, doesn’t matter, they’re all the same. He goes for the throat every time. Swing, slice, a head falls.  
And then he does it again. And again, and again. Breathe, swing, slice. Again.

_______________

 

He nearly killed Benny the first time he saw him. He picked up his knife, inhaled, brought his arm back before he realized this vampire just saved his life. He wouldn’t have been able to reach his knife that time. That other vamp had him pinned too good. Ever the grateful one, Dean snaps at him, “What’s to keep me from killing you now?”  
He’s surprised by the drawl, sweet and molasses smooth. “Now that’s no way to talk to the man who just saved your hide.” He drags his vowels out just a beat too long. Dean refuses to find it intriguing. “I’ve got a proposition for you, brother.”  
It’s the beginning of an uneasy acquaintanceship, not quite friends yet. But they more they fight together, kill together, Dean finds himself enjoying the company. It’s not Sam, and it’s definitely not Castiel, but Benny is good. He saves Dean more than once, and Dean doesn’t hesitate to return the favor. They’re in this together, each aware that they need the other.

_______________ 

 

Benny doesn’t say anything when every night Dean slips over to the next thick tree trunk, leans against it, and begins to pray to Cas. Maybe Benny understands, maybe he doesn’t, but Dean has been doing this longer than Purgatory. Praying to Cas is familiar. Comforting.  
“Cas, you got your ears on? Come on, man. We’re gonna get out of here, you hear me? I can’t leave here without you. Come on, Cas. Stay alive, fight them off, Cas. I’m coming for you. Wait for me. I won’t leave you alone.”  
Every night, he prays. Every morning, Benny shoots him a look but doesn’t mention it. Then it starts again. Breathe, swing, slice. It’s pure.

 

_______________ 

 

Months go by and the hope of getting out is dampened only by the fact that he can’t find Cas yet. They found a vamp that laughed just a little too gleefully when Dean asked, “Where’s the angel?” and Dean was tempted to be a little more persuasive. He pinned the guy to the ground, watching as his fangs descended. “Where’s. The. Angel.”  
He laughed again and Dean took the edge of his knife, began tracing the vamp’s gums, right along his second set of teeth. The laughter sounded more like hysteria now. Benny shifted behind him. “Brother, take it easy now. He doesn’t know, he’s just jerkin’ you ‘round. Let’s kill ‘im and be done with it.”  
Dean realized that the fear in the pinned vampire’s eyes seemed too familiar. Like he’d seen it before.  
In Hell.  
He started, feeling a cold panic run through his body. This was Purgatory. Kill or be killed, no time for second thoughts. He leaned back and cut through the throat, clean through the spinal cord and the head rolled back and to the right.  
“You alright there, Dean?” Benny sounded wary. Still shifting on his feet.  
Dean rose and wiped his mouth with his sleeve, looking at the body and the severed head. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.”

 

_______________ 

 

That night as Benny took the first watch, Dean was not good. Hell, Alastair, the rack. It was all flooding back in his mind. The smell of fear was the same there and here in Purgatory. Sour, acrid, and biting. He’d nearly tortured, after he swore to himself and to Cas he’d never again. That was the worst part. He broke promises to himself all the time. But he knew if he promised Cas, it would be different. It would have meaning. He sat straight up, breathing heavy, eyes wild. Benny looked at him knowingly, but he couldn’t really know. He wasn’t there. He had no idea what Dean had done, what he had nearly done. What he was capable of.  
“I’ll take over, Benny. I’m, uh, not much for sleeping tonight I guess.”  
Benny didn’t bother asking if he was sure. He nodded and stretched out on his side, knife clutched in his hand.  
Dean counted to four hundred in his mind before whispering, “Cas? Please still be alive. Please be okay. I’m not… I’m just. Things got pretty hairy out here today.” He ran his fingers through his hair and exhaled heavily. “Don’t worry, Cas. I’m coming to get you.”

_______________ 

 

It took another month before they found Cas, kneeling near a river and looking as filthy and ragged as Dean felt. He hugged Cas and thought this is pure, too.  
But Cas had changed. Something was off, different. Dean couldn’t put his finger on it. They started attracting more Leviathan as they made their way to the portal. Castiel’s angel mojo plus Dean’s humanness were doubly dangerous together. They might as well have had a flashing neon sign following them around. Benny got more and more impatient as they trudged through, Cas constantly falling behind.

 

_______________

 

It got dark and Benny suggested they hunker down for the night, though he seemed reluctant to do it. Dean understood. He was just as anxious to get topside, especially now that he had Cas in tow. Benny stretched out, knife still in his hand, and turned his head away from Dean and Cas, giving them some semblance of privacy.  
Dean spoke quietly, in part not wanting to disturb Benny, but mostly because it was Cas. He’d found him and he wanted nothing more than to hold him close, feel his body heat and assure himself over and over that this was really happening. He couldn’t do that so he spoke low, feeling intimate. “Cas, man, I have been going out of my mind looking for you. I told Benny we couldn’t leave without you.”  
Castiel nodded stiffly, like it pained him to move. Dean reached out a hand and cupped his neck, feeling for injuries. He cursed himself for not moving faster, looking harder. Cas had been alone all this time. Alone in Purgatory. He would never forgive himself if Cas had been hurt, but at the same time he was thankful Benny had been with him at least. Someone had his back at all times. He should have had Castiel’s.  
Cas waved his hand away, “I’m fine, Dean. And I know you did. I know.” He looked down, avoiding Dean’s eyes. “I heard you.”  
It took Dean a moment to process his words. “Wait. You heard me? All this time? Cas!” He couldn’t decide whether to be offended or incredulous. He lowered his voice, reminding himself they weren’t out of the woods yet. Nasties of all kinds were still prowling about. “Cas, I prayed to you every night. It’s been a year.” The unspoken how could you? hung between them.  
Cas looked strangely uncomfortable. He was shifting and rubbing his hands together, picking at dead leaves on the ground. “Dean, I— “ He sighed. “Dean, I’m sorry. There was something I had to do though. Something I couldn’t do with you.”  
“What does that mean? What does that even mean, Cas?” Frustrated, Dean clasped Cas’s jacket and shook it. “Look at me. What did you need to do?”  
Cas raised his eyes, almost defiantly. Like he was daring Dean to disapprove. “I’ll tell you tomorrow.” And then he lay down and rolled over, leaving Dean baffled and speechless. He sat the rest of the night, staring at Cas’s back.

 

_______________

 

At first light, they made it to the base of the mountain, the blue light pulsing alive and bright at the top. Benny looked up and smiled, white teeth gleaming. “This is it, brother. We’re almost there. Just like we talked about, now.”  
Dean nodded and hugged him, clapping his back once and stepped back. He rolled up his sleeve and made a slice in his forearm. It happened just like Benny said it would. His arm glowed hot and it was strange. He could feel Benny inside him. Alive and warm, his skin rippled with the movement. “Alright, Cas. Up we go. We need to hurry now.”  
Cas followed him, dragging behind until Dean gripped his collar and forcibly yanked Cas along. Just as they reached the portal, Leviathan descended from out of nowhere. He pushed Cas back, readying his stance. One last time.  
Breath, swing, slice. Again. It was pure.  
He grabbed Cas again, pulling him closer and closer. And then he felt it. Cas was struggling against him. He was so shocked he let go. “Cas! We have to go, come on!”  
Cas shook his head. “Dean. I’m staying. It’s, it’s atonement. This place, it’s like fire. I must purify myself here. I can only do it here.” He looked at Dean sadly, as if he knew Dean wasn’t going to understand. “Go, you need to go.” He pushed Dean away, closer to the portal, further from him.  
Dean fought him, but Cas was stronger and more determined. Dean felt the pull of the portal, the heat of it and the electric crackle on his skin. Cas looked unsure for a moment and Dean seized the opportunity. If he couldn’t talk Cas into coming…  
He reached out and kissed him. It was uncoordinated and he only got half of Cas’s mouth but he needed to show him. He needed to show Cas that he needed him. He felt Cas step closer and place his hands on Dean’s upper arms, pinning them to his body. Cas’s mouth was warm and he smelled vaguely like dirt, but Dean never felt anything better. Until he was falling backwards.  
His lips were no longer connected to Cas’s and the electric snap of the portal was enveloping him. He opened his eyes and watched as Cas stepped back, looking regretful and upset.  
“Cas, no!”  
But he was gone, and the pain of ripping through the portal going topside was all Dean could think about until it was over.

 

_______________

 

He landed in the middle of God-knows where and decidedly did not think about the kiss, or Cas, or Purgatory for days. He made his way 2000 miles south to Louisiana and put all his energy into digging up Benny’s bones. He recited the spell by memory and before he could staunch the bleeding on his arm, Benny was standing next to him.  
“Where’s your angel friend, brother?”  
“Not here,” Dean grunted.  
Benny gave him a look. It wasn’t pity, but it was close. “I’m right sorry ‘bout that, Dean.” He reached out a hand to help Dean up.  
Dean clasped it and held on for a beat after he was standing. “I— I thought if I showed him. I thought if I made him see, he’d do it. I thought he’d come with me.” He shook his head and let go of Benny’s hand. He rubbed his eyes and laughed mirthlessly.  
He heard Benny exhale and looked up. “It seemed Castiel had some things he needed to do. He didn’t seem too keen on coming with us, brother.” He shook his head and pulled Dean in for a hug. “We did it, okay? You’re gon’ be fine and your angel will find his way back. Never you mind.”  
Dean nodded and forced a smile. “You’re right. He’s a tough son of a bitch. He’ll be fine. I’m gonna head up north and find Sam. You got a plan?”  
Benny looked around and rolled his neck. He seemed much more at home here in the sticky Louisiana heat than in the dead world of Purgatory. “I might stay around for a bit. You be good, Dean.”  
They shook hands and Dean returned the farewell.

 

_______________

 

He began walking towards the highway, realizing Montana was a hell of a long way to go. He began to let himself replay those last few moments. The taste of Cas, the sizzle of the portal behind him, the love he had for Cas, all he tried to put into that one kiss. It was pure.  
But then the floodgates opened. I needed you, Cas. I need you here with me.  
Dad, Sam, Cas… the only thing they had in common was leaving Dean when he needed them most. He reached the highway and saw headlights nearing closer. He stuck out a thumb and pressed down everything deep inside. Packed inside a box inside of a box inside of a coffin buried six feet under the darkest part of his heart. He didn’t miss this. The feelings, the worries of the world. He was glad to be back, on his way to Sammy. But a part of him missed Purgatory. It was rough and brutal and merciless. Breathe, swipe, slice. Survival was a formula down there.  
Here, the emotions were bubbling up. Clouding his judgment and his mind. This wasn’t pure. This wasn’t the same.  
Maybe that’s why Cas needed to stay, maybe he understood. He climbed into the truck and told the man he was headed north, as far as he was willing to take Dean. As he buckled up, he turned to watch out the window. The muggy landscape blurred by, Spanish moss swinging from the trees, making them look ghostly and alive. He was reminded of the dead of Purgatory.  
“Cas? You got your ears on? Do what you gotta do, but I’ll be here. Find a way out and come back to me, okay? I need you.”


End file.
